My Old Crap

Worst Delivery Service Ever!

2011-06-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

What makes a delivery/courier service the worst? Well, losing a package alone won't put a company in that category, because if they are able to track it and determine where it went, the package may eventually get to where it's supposed to go! What makes a shitty delivery service is one that employs deliverymen that lie to your face (and try to sneak away from your house after realizing they left your package at the wrong house) and has customer service reps that lie to you/mislead you as to how the sender will be notified.

I ordered a package from online and two days later I received an email that said "delivered." Guess what - it wasn't delivered. The courier service that was used - LASERSHIP - had delivered the package to the wrong address. I called customer service and they said they'd send the driver out to figure out what went wrong. An hour later, someone quietly opened the door without knocking, posts a hand-written message saying, "I Was Here," and then tried to run back to his car without me knowing. The dude was too slow, because I caught him, and asked him what the hell this was:

Night Out In London (11/2010)

2011-04-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

On my first night staying in London, my friend Gavin met me at the hotel - the Kensington Hilton - and we went out for an evening of food and drink. Here's the tube receipt from our trip out.

The Best Meal I've Ever Had

2010-12-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, the best meal I have ever had was at Jamie Oliver's Italian in Westfield Mall, Kensington, London UK.

My last evening in London before heading back to the States, I wanted to eat somewhere that I would remember. At the suggestion of my friend and his wife, I checked out Jamie Oliver's. Lemme get straight to the chase.

Cocktail: Double grape martini. It may be called "double grape," but the crisp cucumber was the main thing I tasted. Whatever it was that I tasted, the drink was crisp and wonderfully refreshing. Presentation was great, too - with a slice of cucumber on the rim of the glass. I ain't a cocktail guy, but this was the perfect way to start the meal. A+

Appetizer: Mushroom Fritti. Oh, shit...ever had fried finger food, but your hands never get greasy? And the food is crispy, but moist? Well, this was it and it hit the goddamn spot. A+

Mushroom Fritti, sprinkled with cheese and served with garlic butter

Main Course: Fish In A Bag. Literally, a fish cooked in a bag with other seafood and fresh veggies. I can't remember all the ingredients, but the fish was meaty and perfect. Very, very filling. Went perfectly with a Messina beer. A++ (the extra + is for the beer)

Desert: Brownie. And what a brownie it was...moist, warm...chocolaty. If this brownie were a woman, I am guessing it would be Ebony Ayes. Yes, for every reason you are thinking of. A+

Coffee: Cappucino. The perfect way to end any dinner in the city! A+

Service: A little slow, but overall great. Very attentive and friendly. Oh, and the waitresses were FIT. A-

Price: All this for only US $75 (that includes a 10% tip)?! Yes, it's true. A meal like this in the States - for one person, mind you - could easily run over $100 and no one would think it would be too much.

Well, there ya have it. When I told my wife about this meal, she laid a heavy guilt trip on me because she couldn't be there. What can I say?!

Washington Nationals Photo Card (9/2010)

2010-12-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

I got hold of a pair of tickets to a Nationals game this past September...just in time to get there for the first pitch! Just my oldest boy and I in the outfield stands with hardly anyone else out there. While I was at the food stand, one of the ballpark photographers snapped a pic and gave us this card to look it up (and purchase) later!

Heathrow Express (11/2010)

2010-11-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

It's never fun to end a trip you had a lot of fun on. My last journey in London was on the Tube from Paddington Station to London-Heathrow Airport via the Express train. Bon Voyage!

London Taxi Cab Receipt (11/2010)

2010-11-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

I took a cab from Kensington to Paddington Station and asked for a receipt. This warning appears on the reverse side of the receipt. Bloody hell...

9/11 Memorial 5K Race - 2003

2010-10-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the Howard Stern Show and they were describing planes flying into the World Trade Center when I witnessed the attack against the Pentagon. I was across the Potomac River from the Pentagon when I heard a loud thunder-crack and then saw a plume of black smoke. I have video of the aftermath but have been loathe to transfer it to digital. Every year since, the Arlington Police, Fire, and Sheriff Departments hold the 9/11 Memorial 5K.

This was my first race...and I didn't do that bad! I ran it in about 36 minutes...which, yeah...ain't overly fast. But like I said, it was my first race. As part of the race package we received these rather nice polo shirts. My shirt finally started to fray and shrink beyond the point of wearability, so it's off to the donation bin.

For news about past and future 9/11 Memorial 5K's, go HERE.

Another Slow Day At Work (2006)

2010-10-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Here is another piece of "busy work" I created while it was slow at work. I had just started my job, and I and other newly hired colleagues would battle for workload! On the days when I lost a battle, I found other ways to spend my time constructively. Here, I charted the creation of the Israeli Defense Forces.

Irony.

2010-09-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

Taken from a Spy Museum brochure

Brian Kelley and Oleg Kalugin teaching at the Spy Museum.

Scary As Fuck Dog Repellant Ad (2007)

2010-07-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

What is the best way to sell a product? Scare the shit of the consumer. Problem is, this particular ad scares the consumer for all the wrong reasons. Does the Dog Dazer piss Spike off and make him more hostile? Sure looks like it.

My wife and I couldn't stop laughing at this pic in the Skymall catalog when we were returning from Israel. I kept it all this time so I could show it to my misbehaving kids...and make them cry!

Cleveland State University Viking Yearbook (2009-2010)

2010-07-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

One thing I like to do when I head back to Cleveland is take my son to some sporting events. You don't always have to spend a fortune on Cavs or Indians or other professional games. We caught a great game between the CSU Vikings and the UIC Flames, and for four tickets + food, it was less than $120 for the afternoon. Support your local amateur sports!!

This was the program/yearbook we bought at the game.

Happy 1st Birthday Banner! (2004 & 2009)

2010-04-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

This was my first AND second son's 1st birthday banner and could never find it in myself to part with it. Then, I came up with a brilliant plan. I cut out one pennant for each son and put it into their baby-books. That way, a part of it will always be there and the whole banner won't be floating around our house until eternity.

Good times won't be forgotten!!

Too Much Free Time - Islamic History 101 (2006)

2010-03-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

I finally pulled this sheet of paper out of my briefcase after nearly four years (May 16, 2006)!

When I first started my job in 2006, they had hired so many people that I found myself with more on-the-job free time than I could ever want. Therefore, I tried to fill that time with educating myself on topics relevant to current events. Here you can see I diagrammed the history of Islam and the major events and schisms which occurred.

Good Job, Noah! (2009)

2010-03-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

This scrap of paper has been kickin' around my house since November '09. Noah was having a few "paying attention" issues at school, so when he got back on track, the teacher gave him these for encouragement.

Best. Heater. Ever. (1996)

2010-03-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

After working at the Cleveland Museum of Natural History for a while, I met this chick from one of the departments named Rachel. I needed a roommate to share the rent and she seemed pretty stable, so she moved in. Well, this chick was anything but stable.

She was sort of a hippie and liked to dance around the house topless. Not bad, ya say? Well, I wouldn't touch this chick with YOUR 10' pole! She had a crush on this guy in the museum's geology department who was cheating on his wife with hookers. Let me repeat that: Crush on married guy who screwed hookers. She was a frickin' nutcase.

After a couple months she jumped ship and moved in with him, only to move out of HIS place a little while later. When she bolted from my place, she left THIS space heater, which could heat a 12 story building in about five minutes - without making any noise. After about 14 years, I think it is time to part ways with it. Thanks for the mammaries, Rachel.

Movie Club Membership (ca. 1991)

2010-01-14T14:46:00.000-08:00

Remember the days of PAYING for membership to a video rental store? Not long after that, once the cost of VCRs came down, the video stores needed to decrease (and eventually eliminate) the cost of membership. Coconuts was a short-lived chain in my area (Cleveland) that had the usual overpriced CDs and cassettes, and as they scraped for any way to make money, they came up with a video-rental business.

Here is my illustrious membership card, now forever preserved online, for you to gawk at.

Note to basketball fans: Around this time, I had a Greg Anthony (New York Knicks guard) poster on my wall. I started copying the way he signed his "G" (with the double loop you see above) and continue to do so nearly 20 years later.

Too Much Math!

2010-01-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have had this little book for so long, I have no idea when it first landed in my junk drawer. Why did I keep it? I'm not an engineer, math professor, scientist, math hobbyist (or fetishist), or belong to a profession that requires knowledge of complex mathematics.

Maybe I was always nervous I'd be unable to remember how to change Cartesian coordinates to spherical coordinates (and vice versa)?

Anyways, this book will be hitting a nearby thrift store very soon!

Michael "The Albatross" Gross (1984)

2009-11-11T18:01:00.000-08:00

Having a last name like Gross can really be bad. However, it always makes you feel better when a World-class athlete shares your name. West German Michael Gross was nicknamed "The Albatross" because of his massive wingspan (2.13m, which is equivalent to nearly 7ft). I kept this picture on my wall for nearly a decade!

Family Trip To The Museum (2009)

2009-11-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

This summer, the four of us took a trip to the Smithsonian's National Museum of American History in Washington DC. It's a MASSIVE building and fascinating trip. We spent more than three hours there and still didn't see everything. We missed the exhibit on First Ladies, but in all honesty, who cares about First Ladies?

Throughout the museum were stations where you can stamp/mark your map along the way. We found 'em all!

Avoiding the Unemployment Line (1997)

2009-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you get your BA in Anthropology? You get a job at a museum of course. What do you do when your job gets cut? You take the only open position you can get, which was for a goddamn security guard! Here is the ID that I proudly wore around my neck during my time in purgatory.

Man, I loved working in the Archeology Department, being out in the field and teaching kids. But when I lost the job and had to work security...I did everything I could to hide. What do you think I did when high schoolers would come in and smoke pot in the stairwells? No...I didn't ask for any, but I hid in the library and tried to make the day pass as fast as I could.

Ya know, museums aren't run by professors or PhDs. They are run by exceedingly wealthy schmucks who love cheating on their spouses with all the other wealthy schmucks. And I can't tell you how much monkey business went on. The astronomer was shtupping the woman who ran membership. The animal handlers were messing around with the curators. Even the minimum-wage security guards were cheating on spouses with other security guards. It was a friggin' orgy of sin. And, like at any other office, everybody thought their illicit affairs were a secret!

I remember the prop/display dude...so full of himself...he would walk around with these goofy "peanut" golf putters and "brag" about how he made them for President Jimmy Carter. What a loser.

I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.

High School Photography Class Project (1991)

2009-10-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Cleveland Heights High School senior year photography class, baby! This has been kicking around for years...why was I holding onto it for so long? Oh yeah, so I could post it online for everyone!

Not much to say here. We had to take four different photos (panning, foreground in focus, everything in focus, still), develop 'em and mount 'em. I got an A, though I obviously wasn't letting my imagination work overtime.

So screw ya!